I don’t know why that video is so big. Anyway. So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything public. I feel like in the past year almost every post has started with that sentence. Yeah, oh well. I’m here. How have you been?
I unbroke my blog, which is kind of cool. I wrote previously that I broke it. Consequently there were many dead links and just random stuff not making sense but I figured out that I had kept all the posts on my free wordpress blog but just made them private. After importing them here I now have all my posts back in one place, save for a couple that may still be missing. One of these nights this winter I will go through everything 100% to update tags and remove any dead links… until then, close enough. 😉
So what’s new with you? There’s been a few changes in my life!
I’ll dive right in I suppose; I’ve moved… as in I don’t live here any more. I stopped taking allergy medication after being on them daily for 6-7 years back in April and my night terrors stopped. I went through an adjustment period for a little, after sleeping poorly, waking up a lot and night terrors on the regular for so many years I finally can sleep peacefully again. I can’t emphasize how amazing this is. I still tend to keep myself up at night at times and spend too much time on the internet but hey, that’s cool. I no longer look tired all the time, I can sleep 7 hours in a row, I don’t wakeup terrified. Healed!
I’ve been wanting to write about the other thing too. The dark part.
Past winter was lonely and difficult. I wasn’t happy. I suppose I hadn’t been truly happy in a very long time. Save for the Cuba break I had in between. I was starting to feel progressively worse every day I stayed in my own little house, I had too many bad memories from a past bad relationship, too much pressure from a family business, my friends and my family. I cracked and well, there was a very dark month there.
A breakup set it off, it wasn’t his fault or my fault or the relationships fault (although he was a bit of an arse) if I wouldn’t have had all this other stuff piled up ready to tumble to deal with the breakup thing would’ve been fine. I didn’t cry over it. Yes I liked him, it was short and sweet, the end. It was all the other stuff piled up, and the bucket tipped. I couldn’t move. I had all these things to do and I just didn’t care. I’m not by nature a lazy person. I’m a worrier and a tinkerer. I found myself laying in bed 20 hours a day and the only reason I got out was to let my dog out. It if wasn’t for my dog, I would’ve stayed there. If it wasn’t for my cousin who came to help me like a machine and got me out and let me stay at her house for a week, I would’ve wallowed in it longer than I did. I don’t like talking or hugging people, it’s not really my thing. (except maybe if I’m in a relationship with you and I love you) May, May was not a good month. It was building up for a long time before that, I had no idea… and that was the darkest point. It’s a little ironic too because I wrote this piece in April, before the darkest part of the storm hit my soul.
Hindsight is 20-20 and it’s been rumbling for years. I’ve written about not feeling the best, down moments, up moments etc. This is the deepest I’ve ever been and for the first time I realized depression/burnout does not fuck around. It hits you slowly or fast and for whatever reason, but it’s no joke and while I had empathy before for people dealing with this, I now understand so much better and I cry for you. I can’t imagine living life like that every day for years. I want to hug you because I don’t know how I would deal with that.
It wasn’t feeling down, it was a complete lack of feelings. This numbness, emptiness, no desire to eat or drink, just sleep, shitty sleep because I couldn’t sleep either. BUT that’s all behind me now. This summer I’ve dramatically improved. Improved? I don’t know if that’s the word. Last spring it felt like I’d been battling my way out. I feel infinitely better than I did 6 months ago, and better too than I did one year ago, I would say I am back to my old self. But I am no longer my old self, I am made new!
I’ve never been a suicidal person, I wasn’t in April or May, or last year. I have not once contemplated taking my own life. Thing is, the whole wanting to commit suicide thing isn’t mandatory to feel like crap. I felt like I was stuck in a very very dark pit, and rather than the sky clearing up, it just kept getting darker as time passed. I hit a low point. What got me out was a) sharing my feelings with family in a non-touchy-feely kind of way and b) moving. Moving has been such a relief. Yeah it’s not ideal to be living with roommates at 28, I’m living with my sis (who is one of my best friends) and her boyfriend (who is also pretty awesome) in a rather large splitlevel… so not like we don’t have enough space, but it does feel a little like I should be building or fixing another house somewhere. This is good, the itch, the drive inside me is perking up again.
I had no idea how many negative feelings I had attached to the house. I was in a relationship with someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive for 3 years; the first three years after I bought the place. I ended it three years ago, we lived together as roommates sometime before I forced him out. When I looked around I couldn’t just see the satisfaction of doing so much work on a house by myself, of learning so much. I was constantly faced with other memories too like the dent in the wall where I patched it up after he kicked a hole in it in anger. The frustration over my woodsplitter that he busted and I couldn’t afford to replace. The dent upstairs in the closet of that one time he got really angry over me talking with a friend and him beating it with a piece of wood. We were just broken up then. The spot in the floor that I had to fix because he damaged it with tar from a bong. Yeah… What a winner. And there are many more memories like that. Some good too, but a lot of bad also. I read a few random reddit threads on abusive relationships and over time things started clicking. I was in an abusive relationship, and I never fully clued in until I had long left him. I had no idea how deeply it had affected me until everything sort-of culminated. The feelings associated with that lingered, and were part of the reason I needed to get out of my house. It happened fast, once I discussed the idea with my mom, my cousin helped and three days later I was fully moved.
Now. I’m better.. I never got professional help. I didn’t feel I needed it, but I did get help from church and family and I’m improving, I don’t wallow anymore. I didn’t enjoy life all that much for a while, most of the winter… and a long time before that… but I do again and this summer has been pretty great with new experiences, new people and changes! Good changes! Needed changes! I have zest again to pursue projects and creativity, reading and writing. Shortly after that fling early in the year I ended up meeting a man…. we make a great team, I think. It just fits, we’ve been together since. We’re going away together next month for 9 days and I couldn’t be more excited or happy about it. I didn’t share all these things with him as when I met him I was already past the worst, I had already moved. I didn’t feel like rehashing all the stuff… at some point perhaps I will give a summary of it all if it’s relevant.
Over the summer my house has been finished, I hired someone to help me paint on evenings and weekends, had a plumber in, the electrician, my dad tiled… everything got finished finally and it turned out so nice! It’s been listed for about a month now and has been viewed a few times, the first open house was early October. I am praying that someone will be interested enough to make an offer. It really is a cute house and I’m so happy with how it turned out! I will post more on that later, but here’s a sneakpeek.
So I don’t quite know how to summarize, I suppose I wanted to write… I wanted to write that I was happy, then… I got hurt and stressed and eventually I burned out from work and personal stuff,then I was not happy, and now… now I am more happy than I was to begin with, ready for the next battle. And through all of it I had no idea of the extent of it until i came out the other end. The fog has lifted, I am free. 🙂