You may have noticed I created a page in the bar above called Project Move. I’ve talked about this in previous posts and I touched on it in my last post about my feelings after graduating. Going forward all posts related to Project Move will be summarized on the same-titled page.
I’ve known for a long time that I have wanted to leave PEI for a while.. maybe permantently, where I currently live, and maybe come back in the future. Or more accurately, I’ve known for a very long time that I just don’t know where I want to be. I’m not happy where I am.
It’s hard to explain the feeling of coming home and it not truly feeling like home. It’s also hard to explain feelings of saudade and wanderlust. One of my friends, who has also spent a large portion of her life moving around says that perhaps we are people that will never really find home anywhere. Perhaps I will always be like this, perhaps I won’t be but I do know that the only way to find out is to do something about it. My last two trips to the Netherlands (July 2012, and November 2013) weren’t only for fun; both served to help me answer some exploratory questions.
Is this just a temporary feeling?
Do I want to stay in PEI?
Do I want to leave?
If I leave, where do I go?
Because it’s been so many years that I’ve walked around feeling like this I know this isn’t a temporary ‘bevlieging‘; a temporary obsession. I’ve left PEI before. Back In January 2006 I packed up everything that would fit in my car and moved to Alberta with my then-boyfriend. At the end of that adventure I returned to PEI and in mid-2007, having spent 1,5 years in Edmonton, Alberta, I requested information kits from Dutch universities and it was then that I first began talking about going back, to live and to study for some time.
… And I‘ve been talking about it ever since. While my complicated feelings are partly due to the fact that I’m a transplant, they’re also related to me being unhappy where I am in life. My house is nearing completion,and I’m ready to move on career-wise. It isn’t as straightforward as deciding between the Netherlands and Canada, which is a huge decision itself, but what can I do and where will I go to find what I am looking for and what I need?
I tend to not make rash decisions and I do carefully contemplate things before I act, I also try to follow God’s plan for my life but right now, I just really don’t know which way to go. After I graduated in May I lost a bit of my sense of purpose and direction because I had no further plan for life. Nothing makes sense and to be honest I am struggling more with it lately. It’s something I have also written about before. I am not alone but I feel very lonely. I don’t consider myself seriously depressed but I do struggle and some days are better than others. I don’t know which way is up or down and some days it’s hard to stay happy, to stay motivated and productive and not feel the urge to stay in bed all day.
I’m not working full-time this winter because there just isn’t enough work for me in my company. There is some work that could keep me working but it isn’t mentally stimulating and it basically makes me want to scream. The good thing is that things around my little company have remained remained stable for the past ten months and I see no significant changes in the future BUT I am bored.
Bored out of my mind and I need a change. I got into the janitorial industry by accident through my parents, it was a choice I made because it seemed like the next best thing to do. My mother is now a realtor and my dad keeps himself busy doing his thing, so I’m left with the cleaning company which is running smoothly, it’s nice! But I feel I need to move on to something else, I’m again looking for the next move that makes the most sense…. I have been jobhunting for quite some time but frankly, due to my location there is very little work available that would be both challenging and pay enough. In the past 9 months I’ve interviewed once for a job I actually wanted, once.
The largest thing in my life besides work is my house. I never bought my house with the intention to keep it and while there is still quite a bit of work to be done on my house… I am nearing the point that I am personally finished with it and ready to move on. My mortgage term ended December 6th and I changed to a variable open mortgage for the time being, that leaves me with no penalties for selling at whatever time I wish.
So, while I am terrified to just pack up everything and go. It may be a good experience and certainly a good life lesson to go back to bthe Netherlands (or close to it) for a period of several months to decide where I really want to be, or if perhaps I want to roam the earth and discover other places. OR if I do want to stay here on PEI. Who knows?
The first concrete goal is that by the end of August 2014 I want to have a $10,000 emergency fund.
The second goal is something I wanted to do regardless of moving. I want less stuff… I want to digitize all my files and paperwork so it’s easily accessible, and change any billing to email/digital as well. So my office can be where ever I am with my laptop and not tied down to any physical location.
The rest is all just swirling ideas for now. If I am going to leave I need to decide if I want to sell or rent my house, or just leave it empty with checkups and keep paying the bills? I need to figure out where I can live over there, arrange to take Copper. (because yes, I made a commitment to my dog for the duration of his life, not just for as long as it’s convenient for me) I need to decide what I will do with my car. Either way though I need to save for A car because mine will need to be replaced eventually even if I do stay in PEI, Canada. I need to save for obtaining a new license there, living costs as well as airfare there AND back. (going with the presumption that I will return to Canada) I need to arrange cheap travel insurance etc etc.
I need to figure out how I can be replaced in my company and what I can do from a distance and I most importantly I want to create an additional income stream, perhaps from work I can do over the internet from home? (suggestions welcome) as a backup. I really don’t like the idea of just leaving and having absolutely zero income coming in.
So, to summarize I have this one crazy plan and an incredible amount of stuff to research and arrange.
I might just be crazy.